Week two down: The purge

Apologies for a late post I’ve been getting back to normal life. I’ve been travelling for over a month as well as starring in the real life version of “Meet The Parents”. My Icelandic unit decided to embark upon the California natives. It went well. Phew. They left LA a few days ago and I realised I had been surrounded by people 24/7 for longer than I can remember. I finally got some alone time and just sat in my apartment, delighted not to make plans with anyone except my sofa and my best friend 'TV'. The boyfriend was out and I just sat there, content. Peace and quiet. I thought about how I did in terms of my habit swap this week and was quite pleased so far. I forgot to mediate a couple of times so I need to set a timer for that because sometimes it just slips my mind. I felt my thoughts were mainly positive and that I had handled most situations quite well and if I didn’t, I managed to bounce back quickly and rectify.

I was so pleased with how the week had gone and then the weekend descended upon me. Like an avalanche. I had shelved so many concerns and put so many things to deal with on hold to travel and spend time with friends and family that I didn’t have space for everything that was bubbling up in my head. Once I finally had some downtime, a flood of anxiety washed over me. I felt completely overwhelmed with everything I had put aside and suddenly had to deal with. My health, my job, my everything! I didn’t have a rational thought in my brain so I just resorted to switching between hyper ventilating and uncontrollable sobbing. How fun for the boyfriend. He certainly picked a good one. Maybe I had spent so much time with my parents recently that I was starting to 'Benjamin Button' and by the time they were gone I was basically a 5 year old who couldn't articulate emotionally. I cried and whimpered on and off the entire weekend. Every little thing set me off. Big apology to all actresses reading this by the way, I know I'm exercising a stereo type here. I didn't throw any vases or martini glasses though. I was even sober the whole weekend. Come to think of it that might've been the the cause; Lots of alcohol for weeks and then none. It was a clusterfuck of withdrawal symptoms and hormonal imbalances. My boyfriend used to say I was easy going. Maybe I can trick him into thinking I still am with some reggae music and sunglasses...

I just couldn't help it, it was 'meltdown central'. It was like I'd held everything in so tight for so long that I was processing a months worth of emotions I hadn’t had time to deal with. I was bummed that I couldn’t make it through my second week of positivity like a boss but I swear I needed this. I didn't know it then but I do now. I needed my soap-opera melodrama reality tv meltdown. It was like a purge. A major emotional detox I didn’t even know I needed. I can’t even tell you what it was about because it was about everything and nothing. Any set back was a major catastrophe and I would curse myself into eternal damnation. The boyfriend said, 'why don’t you speak to your friends?' I said 'I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to talk to human beings. I want to sink into this bed and dissolve into the mattress until the bed and I become one'. And I did. For the weekend. And then Monday came along and I met a friend. Seeing her already made me feel better. The next day I met another friend. By the time we parted I was back to normal. This morning I had a long video chat with a dear friend in London and it's set my day up to be a great one! The power of friends people. The power of friends.

What I learned last week:

• Sometimes you just need a good old cry.

• Friends will always make you feel better. If they don't, get new ones.

What I'll focus on this week:

• Managing one thing at a time. Crying might be necessary in the moment but it's not gonna solve the problem. Cry, then deal. then cry a little more if necessary and then deal with the next thing.

• Making time for friends. I have a tendency to shut the world out if I'm trying to deal with something. Once I see a friend I always feel better regardless of whether we even talk about what's going on.

So I would hope that next time I feel overwhelmed I manage to not drain the tear well completely. On top of being really annoying for the person you live with it just leaves you so damn dehydrated.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'll be off to try and regain my cool cred.

H

#positivity #goodthoughts