Spectacular failure and completely ok with it

What’s your New Year resolution?

Mine is not to have one. Why? I never keep them. You know what else I don’t keep? These new habits I’ve tried to assign myself every month. My only resolution is to stop having resolutions. This includes the intended monthly goals of The Habit Swap. I’m just gonna be for now. Just be.

If you’ve read almost any of my posts since I started last year, you will know there isn’t a single challenge I’ve managed to complete and more importantly maintain. I thought that by putting these challenges out there and sharing my journey I would hold myself more accountable and create higher stakes that would make it harder for me to fail, but I’m just not that afraid of failure. I know this because I fail all the time. In every aspect of life. And now I’ve learned, I can fail publicly and somehow, still be ok with it. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m still riddled with insecurities and care way too much about what people think, but somehow the pressure I meant to add to this whole thing, came down on me like pink fluffy marshmallows. I wasn’t embarrassed when I didn’t succeed, in fact, I enjoyed writing about it and sharing it way more. I still enjoyed the process immensely and there are so many things I will take from the experience. Like Netflix is a good thing. So is reading a book. So is a slice of pizza. Maybe not a whole pie.

Although…

THINGS I DID THAT STUCK:

None of them.

None of them stuck. But I exercised and ate healthy for a minute, I took cold showers, I was very positive for a while; I still am most of the time, I improved my listening skills, I took my electricals out of the bedroom and read more books, I didn’t spend less time in bed… and that’s the last challenge I set myself: To not spend so much time in bed, but you know what? I Iove my bed, and it’s a wonderful place to be. I get up, I do things, I leave the house sometimes. So why not bed when possible?

Exactly.

I realised I started this journey for the purpose of self-improvement and I’ve come to an unexpected end where that improvement has happened but not in the way I expected: When I came up with this system I forgot one crucial thing; I am not a type A personality. I never will be. And no matter how hard I try, I am not regimented, I am not organised and I don’t make plans way ahead of time. I am messy, I’m chaotic, and I think I’d like to just go with the flow from now on. Whatever personality type I might be, I feel that perhaps I’ve been going against my nature with this system of mine and this is not an excuse; there is so much good in working on oneself and improving where one feels it’s needed, but this process has made me realise I’d like to do it in a much more organic way. I want to stay healthy, I want to exercise, I want to be kind to the environment and the people around me. I want to read more and paint more and learn a new skill, but I think it will just somehow, happen out of the pretty manageable chaos that is my life.

I do have some alternative plans for The Habit Swap in the future so I hope you tune in when the time comes.

Am I quitting because I set myself goals I don’t achieve? Yes. Yes I am. Am I trying to make it ok by pretending failure is ok? No, because I wholeheartedly believe that failure is completely and perfectly ok. In fact, I am rewriting ‘failure’ in my book from a word describing someone who doesn’t succeed, to someone who tried and probably learned something valuable from not succeeding, and therefore kinda, actually succeeded, in a way. I feel like I have. My success is the realisation to leave myself alone. And I wouldn’t have got there had I not tried and failed a thousand times. I just want to be me without constantly picking at my potential shortcomings. I’m pretty sure I arrive when needed. Unless you’re a serial killer, a racist homophobe or in the vicinity of that, or have a habit that will potentially kill you or others, what’s wrong with embracing what you’re like, right now, bad habits and all? Own them, change the ones you can, the ones you know you’re better without, but don’t stress if you don’t succeed.

The only thing that matters is what makes you and the people around you happy. So, if you’re not disrupting happiness all over the place I say be you and enjoy it. Good and Bad.

So, thank you for coming on this journey with me. I appreciate all the love and support more than I can say.

Fail spectacularly my darlings! Fail spectacularly and embrace it.

Imma do that for now.

H

#Failure #challenge #Habits #Change