Swap four: I talk too much

I don't always blabber constantly... Do I? I feel as I say this to myself, a circle of floating heads quickly surround me and nod. These floating heads are my friends, my family, my coworkers. I'm sorry guys, but I hate uncomfortable silences, they make me want to crawl out of my skin! I don't think I'm that bad... It's not like I enjoy chatting to the Uber driver about my menstrual cycle, but I guess it's not too outlandish to say that I don't have much of a filter when it comes to talking to people I know. The better you know me, the less existent it becomes. So beware! Keep your distance from the gramophone of everything!

Apologies! I know it's been a few weeks since I posted anything new. I've been settling back in London and rehearsing a play has taken up all my time. I also wanted to wait until the next challenge came to me organically and since I was so preoccupied it took longer than usual to figure out what to do next. But here it is.

I wasn't sure if I should even bring this up as a bad habit as it's not really. It's just my personality. But the reason I have is because this journey is about bettering myself. And as much as I like to talk, I think I can do too much of it sometimes. I've calmed down a lot since my early twenties, you’re lucky by the way if you didn’t know me then, and thank you for sticking with me if you did, you must love me or at least tolerate me. I would like to use September to be even more mindful of when, why and how I talk and more than anything I just think this could be an interesting experiment.

The main reason for that is, if I'm not talking, I'm listening. So my swap is simple; I'm swapping talking for listening. The guidelines of this one aren't going to be as clear as on previous swaps as obviously I'm not going mute. I'm rehearsing a play at the moment so I’m not so sure my cast mates and the director would appreciate that. This isn’t a vow of silence, it’s a redirection of thoughts, if you will. To think before I speak.

When it comes to hanging with friends, nothing is fun when it's all one sided of course, but I’ll be focusing on listening and responding rather then using them as a sounding board for whatever’s on my mind. Yes I do that sometimes. The thing about talking a lot is that it also gives any problem or dilemma you’re having so much breathing space. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about something I’m trying to solve but more often than not, it just perpetuates the problem. There’s a balance here and I need to find it. It’s not about suppressing anything but I'd like to be able to know when I've said enough without exhausting the subject.

So! I'm sure my friends and close ones will either think I've had a lobotomy or they'll welcome this change with open arms. Either way, I'm sure everyone involved will get something out of it. For me it's really about learning not to obsess by using words. Will it just internalise instead? Oh dear, I hope not. That's what the meditation is for.

Wish me luck! I'll need it.

H